Retirement: Finally, Time to Get Creative

(Continued from Going Global: Discovering the World)

Featured Photo: “Autumn Sunset, Twining Valley Park” Near Philadelphia, Pennsylvania—2020

I never intended to retire when I did—not that I retired especially early; I was 59-and-a-half years old. I still loved the work I was doing in Compendial Affairs at Merck. In fact, shortly before I started plotting my get-away, I had been telling colleagues that I planned to continue in my job until I was 65 or older. But sometimes, even the best conditions can decay, leading one in a new direction; I found myself in such a situation, and concluded it was time for me to leave Merck, for the last time.

For now, I’ll try to keep my retirement story short. On Wednesday, June 20, 2018—to accommodate everyone’s schedule—my colleagues at work threw a party for me, complete with a festive pot-luck lunch…

…and a thoughtful retirement cake.

The following week, on Friday, June 29, 2018, after 32 years of working in the pharmaceutical industry—including 15 years in Compendial Affairs—I said goodbye to friends at work, packed a few personal belongings into a small box, including an appropriate going-away gift…

…then closed my office door, turned in my badge, and walked out the Merck gate for the last time.

On Monday, July 2, 2018—the first workday following my departure—I did not go back to Merck. I was retired—a free man, so to speak; I went kayaking instead, in Cape May, New Jersey…

…ate lunch, and then took a “flight”…

…from the Cape May Brewing Company.

That’s my “get-away” tale—how I left Merck. But why did I leave? I’ve asked that question many times since my decision, and perhaps the simplest answer is, “irreconcilable differences.” About a year and a half before retiring, I got a new manager—hired from another company—with a different vision about my group’s focus; we did not see eye-to-eye. Try as I might, I could not convince her of the importance of our work, and eventually, I gave in and stopped trying. I let her move my group in another direction; I too was moving in another direction: away. I decided to leave my job—to retire “early.”

Six months before I left, I started getting my papers and electronic files in order. Eventually, I started smiling again at work, but my smile was tenuous—I was not completely confident in what I was doing. It was bittersweet to leave the work I loved, and it was unnerving to plan for my life in retirement—there are so many uncertainties. But now, I am a “former Merck employee”—retired for five years, as of this writing.

It is fair to ask, “What have I learned, so far, about being retired?” My hesitant response is, “It’s complicated,” but not in a bad way; I am retired, after all, and enjoying the freedom. What I mean is: “retirement” does not necessarily occur as an immediate transition; it does not follow a linear path. At a fundamental level, when you retire, you need to figure out how to spend all that new-found extra time, because it would be a shame to waste it. In the early days of my retirement, while talking with a friend, we agreed when you reach “retirement age,” time is the most precious thing you have.

As I contemplated what to do in retirement, one consideration was how connected I wanted to stay with Compendial Affairs activities; after all, I still enjoyed that line of work and had intended to do it longer. Without any concrete business plan or specific goal, I started a consulting company to focus exclusively on Compendial Affairs; I felt there was still a need in the pharmaceutical industry for better understanding of the work involved. I set up my LinkedIn profile—complete with an updated “head shot” photo, taken by my older son—to enable connections with those who might want training or assistance in this area.

Perhaps I was lured by legends of unimaginable riches obtained through consulting, but that never quite materialized for me. I just didn’t try very hard to drum up business; I expected those who needed help to seek me out.

In the months and years after retiring, I had several offers of employment, and worked on a few different projects through my consulting company. Some jobs, I did well. Some, I did not do well. Others, I decided not to do at all. One of my first job offers came from a law firm, to work on retainer as their “expert witness” in Compendial Affairs. I was interested because I felt I had the background to help the lawyers with their cases; but in the end, I turned it down. I realized that, in my experience, Compendial Affairs is an area where conclusions come in shades of gray—subtlety and nuance abound. With this lack of conviction, I likely would have been the lawyers’ worst nightmare.

One position I tried after retiring was as a reporter for a scientific journal. For this job, I attended pharmaceutical conferences where quality and regulatory topics were discussed, then tried to summarize key points from the most significant presentations. An incentive for this work was the prospect of travel—a pursuit I wanted to continue in retirement. The job opportunity first arose mid-2018, when I met the journal’s editor at a conference in Boston, Massachusetts; I was there to give my own presentation about Compendial Affairs.

While in Boston, I also did some sight-seeing…

…and took in a baseball game at historic Fenway Park…

…before taking the train-ride home on a rainy day, leaving from Boston’s old South Station.

A year later, I was working part-time as a reporter for the journal, and spent a couple of days…

…and nights…

…at a conference in National Harbor, Maryland, just down the Potomac River from Washington, DC.

Also, as a reporter in 2019, I covered an international conference hosted by the European Pharmacopoeia in Strasbourg, France…

…where I had the good fortune to bring my wife and sons along for a family vacation.

But in 2020, things took a turn for the worse: the COVID pandemic was ramping up, and scientific meetings became “virtual events.” I tried to hang on a little longer, but without the benefit of travel, the work was less appealing. And I must admit, I was terrible at the job: I am simply NOT a reporter. I spent my career writing as a scientist; I had a hard time writing as a journalist. To me, listening to the conferences, every presentation seemed significant, and all the information looked vital. For my summaries, the editor had to keep reminding me to start with a catchy opening to intertest the reader, and to follow that with conclusions, before filling in the details. I realized it would be difficult for me to change writing habits formed over a lifetime. After two years of struggling to work as a reporter, I resigned.

I’ve had a few other jobs since retiring from Merck. I worked with a couple of companies on the west coast and—after COVID anxieties had moderated somewhat—I traveled to San Francisco in the summer of 2022 to meet with my contacts there. In other work activities, I helped develop on-line pharmacopoeia training…

…and—perhaps most rewarding—I co-authored a series of 12 articles, detailing all I knew about Compendial Affairs, to make the information available for those who needed it. I consider this my professional legacy.

As my consulting projects wound down, I was left again with the question: how would I spend my time in retirement? Then it struck me: perhaps—finally—I had the time to focus on my creative side. And the first thing that came to mind was photography—for so long that enjoyable, creative side of my life. I realized I had never shown most of my photos to anyone, neither family nor friends. In fact, I’d never even taken time to look through them all myself! Perhaps I could “curate” my pictures—select the best 100 photos and finally share them. That sounded fun and worthwhile—my creative legacy.

Which brings me to the Featured Photo, titled “Autumn Sunset, Twining Valley Park.” I believe this photo would be in my “Top 100” portfolio. It was Election Night—November 3, 2020—a time with so many challenging issues in the US and around the world: political discord, social unrest, economic uncertainty, a global pandemic, and raging wildfires. Indeed, the state of affairs made it seem as if the whole world were ablaze.

I was driving home in the late afternoon, as the sun began to dip lower in the sky. With each passing moment, the colors from the setting sun grew more and more stunning. I drove faster, to reach our local park before the sun and the colors were gone. I parked and ran toward the highest hill in the park; the pink, purple, and orange colors continued to deepen, while the sun faded. As I approached the hilltop, I took my iPhone from my pocket and photographed the wispy clouds in the sky—appearing like fragile folds of pastel fabric…

…then hurried on to the summit and pointed my iPhone toward the setting sun to capture the radiant colors, as the darkening oranges swept the pastels away.

The view continued to evolve. I captured the Featured Photo when the sun appeared to be a fireball, and the sky itself seemed on fire. I turned away from the sun and took another photo showing a virtual volcano on the horizon, with molten red lava appearing to flow amidst the clouds.

In November 2020, I had been retired two-and-a-half years. I was still finding my way in this “new life,” searching for balance in how I spent my time. I felt the burning sky had meaning in the context of all that was happening in the world; I felt the setting sun had meaning in the much-less-significant context of my own retirement. But as always, after the sunset, the sun also rises, over things great and small. For me, the sun would ascend again—a new day for my creative pursuit—and with it, a pleasant surprise.

(To be continued…)